Jay: Yo lunchbox, hurry it up!
Sissy: Y'know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be into all this girl stuff. Stealing, boning, blowing shit up,
and now you're like this little priss with a conscience. It's really a fucking drag.
Jay:I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face.
I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck
[referring to Silent Bob]
Jay:none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When
it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the internet are calling us names because
of this stupid fucking movie.
Banky: That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously. Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.
Jay: This isn't fair. We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. Fuckin', we got shot at, we stole a monkey, and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts by a guy named Cock-Knocker.
Banky: You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do, but Miramax
- you know, Miramax Films - paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman and Chronic. So it occurs to me that people badmouthing
you on some website, is NONE OF MY FUCKING CONCERN.
Silent Bob: Oh, but I think it is... We had a deal with you,
on the comics remember, for likeness rights, and as we're not only the artistic basis, but also obviously the character basis,
for your intellectual property, Bluntman and Chronic. When said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged
to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky, you are in breach of
the original contract, ergo you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Jay: All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while
you watch and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're
gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat.
Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
Sissy: Your shit is really getting tired, Justice.
Justice: Call me 'Boo-Boo-Kitty-Fuck', bitch.
Jay: Hey. Get the fuck off her. That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
Jay: Holy hell, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit. It understood us. Maybe it's some kind of super monkey. What if
there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? WHAT IF THEY'RE CREATING AN ARMY OF THEM? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like
in the X-Files... ROSWELL style. This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human
race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey
fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. OH and only those as super smart as me will be
left alive to bitterly cry - YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUS! Goddamn yous all to hell!
Holden: Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupation are weed and dick and
fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch
does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your
servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents
him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"
Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1:You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #2: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while
you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to
pinky you while I stick in your fuckin' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and fuckin' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After
that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then
I want you to fuckin' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then,
we throw the Dixie cup out.
Hooker #1:Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just
passed the point of no return!
[both hookers leave]
Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.
Jay: [singing] Fuck, fuck, fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, / Mother, mother fuck, fuck / Mother fuck,
mother fuck, / Noich noich noich, / 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4, / Noich, noich noich / Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz, / Doin' coke, drinkin'
beers, / Drinkin' beers, beers, beers, / Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts, / Who smokes the blunts? / We smoke the blunts. /
Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] / Fifteen bucks,
little man, / Put that shit in my hand, / If that money doesn't show, / Then you owe me, owe me, owe, / My jungle love, yeah,
/ Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe, / I think I want to know ya, know ya, / Yeah, what?
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the
world: The mother-fucking Time.
Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
[Silent Bob points to the two teens]
#1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - fucking eighties style.
Hitchhiker: Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium. Gay, straight... it's all the same.
~maybe i'll add more later, i'm bored with that now.